I used to not understand people making a big deal about birthdays. On my 25th, I got it. I was down for a few weeks and I didn't really get all the way back up for years. It was around then that real life started to bring the hammer down.
First I felt the pressure that I should be doing something more with my life than serving espresso in the Napa Valley and watching Star Trek TNG. I became increasingly aware of how stagnate my life was. I dreaded being asked by friends "What have you been up to lately?" because invariably the answer was a shrug.
Then I went off to grad school. The choice was good but it brought a different kind of problem. I was in a new town where I knew virtually no one but very little to no time to make friends.
Finally, I started my life as an adult in the real world in Seattle. I went to work in the morning, had a desk, and came home to a wife. Those are good things, certainly, but again I was in a new town with no friends, little time to do stuff to make friends, and the free time I had I spent being fucking depressed, idealizing my previous lifestyle (which I felt internally pressured to leave), and worrying my wife.
I'm now back in the town I went to grad school in while my wife attends the same masters program I finished a couple years back. I still struggled after moving back here with wishing for the life I had in the Napa Valley. I had more friends then. I had lots of free time. My responsibilities were very few. But I know this is an idealization and I've come to much better terms with this new phase in my life. Specifically, I've realized that my responsibilities are abstract, and most of them are chosen.
This lesson was driven home by a friend I had. I haven't seen him in years but I still hear about him through his brother. Lets call him Jason. Jason had always been more or less a good boy and didn't do anything unexpected. He attended the private colleges he was expected to attend and made friends with nice middle/upper class bred folk like himself. Jason graduated and started an office job. Then out of nowhere, Jason left everything to go abroad for a year and work in the wine industry. Now Jason in back in town to work in the wine harvest here, but not before hitchhiking from Portland to San Francisco by himself to visit some friends.
So how is Jason so different from me? Is it that I'm married. No. Though I can't just abandon everything at any moment with no planning if I plan to stay married, I still have lots of options. My wife would like to travel and have adventures, and has also encouraged me to take some trips by myself. Jason had an office job. So do I. Jason had debts. So do I.
The difference was completely abstract. My life doesn't make me feel tied down, old, and out of options. Its my view of my life. I could do so many things and have so many adventures if I choose. And with a little planning, it wouldn't be hard to do it responsibly.
Strangely, realizing how free I am makes me happy to stay put and keep doing what I've been doing. Maybe Liz and I will move to Europe, maybe we'll just vacation there next year. We may live in downtown Portland or a townhouse in the suburbs. I could even change my name and shirk all that student debt. While I've got my preferences, while some places and lifestyles suit me more, it does not ultimately matter. What matters is how I decide to see my life (cuz it's actually quite nice).
Lately I remember with fondness those years in the Napa Valley living with my friends and screwing around, instead of that pain in my chest and feeling of longing for a more care free life. I also remember more clearly how depressed I was for a lot of that time. For a while I drank alone in bars every night just to feel like I was doing something with my time. I used to almost fall asleep while driving (it wasn't from lack of sleep). I was not a happy person.
I'm feeling much better now.
